And all of my life I keep telling myself that I’m thriving, when I’m not really sure that I am. At this rate, I don’t even think I’m surviving.
Because I can sit and do the very thing I enjoy most with tears in my eyes and still not find it satisfying.
My mind is always fixed on another task, another problem. It’s fixed on the way I always feel guilty the moment I get back from “letting loose” and “having fun.”
Like the main character in a bad lifetime movie, I’m always the one who can’t seem to get it right and let go of my mind. (You know, the one who spills her coffee and purse in her lap at the same time while driving to work).
I complain the same way I take a breath in and let it out. I worry the same way I move my feet with one in front of the other- effortlessly and without a thought.
If there is one thing I have done so well since my very beginning, it’s the way I hold onto every other thought rather than the moment right in front of me.
It’s the way I let the music in my iPod nano at age 7 decide what I was feeling rather than the people who sat next to me in the car.
It’s the way I sat awake at night, legs trembling, at age 10 because I thought of all the illnesses I may attract in my short lifetime and how old I will be the day it may decide to take me.
It’s the way I agreed to make plans with friends in high school knowing that when the time came I would immediately fear the amount of awkward silence, obnoxious jokes, and irrational insecurity I might face.
It’s the way I couldn’t listen in my college geography class because I was still hung up on the late nights of facing depression without trying to find a remedy.
It’s the way I agree to playing tennis with old college friends and then let out sighs of anger when I can’t seem to serve the ball over the net.
And it’s the way I sit staring at this computer screen editing beautiful wedding photos under the roof of my first home with tears in my eyes because my heart still doesn’t know how to react to good things without comparing it to 3 other bad things.
At times I feel as if I keep writing the same words over and over again with different phrases. The words that I listened to when my iPod only consisted of sad music and the words I tried to drown out with every chance I could by getting out of town and exploring someone else’s life.
It’s funny, because the one advice I’ve held onto over the years are the twisted words I told myself as a little kid.
“If only I was like ___ (fill in the blank)”
“If only I was in high school”
“If only I could drive”
“I just have to make it to college”
“When I get married I’ll be happier”
“Life will be better when I graduate”
“If only I didn’t have 2 1/2 jobs”
“If only I just traveled and took pictures forever”
“I just need to have kids, then I’ll find more joy”
“Oh, I just need a dog and a perfect house then it’ll be okay”
“If only I could get it right”
IF ONLY
IF ONLY
IF ONLY
But it doesn’t end.
The same voice that has grown up with me has grown stronger and told me that I can’t enjoy anything because there is always something better. And honestly, it’s hard to admit that without sounding like a young privileged white girl who can never be satisfied.
Sometimes I think that’s all I am or all people think I am.
“Have you ever thought about going to therapy?” they ask.
Yes. But wouldn’t I just sound like every other human being who has a lot of **** to take care of and little time and energy to do it?
** And at that moment words flashed in her head “It’s the every day tasks that require all of God to move.” And the words playing through her speakers sang “JUST LET GO.” **
Would I pack my bags and move across the world for Christ? Yes
Would I say “I believe” to the man who might just shoot me because of it for Christ? Yes
Would I drive to your house in the middle of the night the moment you asked me to because you needed me? Yes.
But.
Will I walk into the office with motivation rather than distraction as I glance at my schedule? Probably not.
Will I come home and cook a meal with the intentions to serve my family rather than “cuz It’s what I should do”? Probably not.
Will I close my eyes at night without the dread of waking up in the morning for another busy day? Nope.
Will I make plans with you without fear of wanting to cancel? no.
Will I sit with the one I love in complete contentment and ignore the voices reminding me of my every insecurity? No.
And will I look at the roadblock ahead of me with grace rather than anger and pounding in my chest? Not a chance.
These are the areas that will forever destroy me if I don’t learn to abide in Christ rather than myself and the words of the world.
Tonight I asked my husband a question that I’ve been boggling in my head.
“When I sit here and complain, what do I sound like to you?”
In that moment I didn’t get the answer that I wanted.
There were no words of making me feel good or sugarcoating my demons.
No “You’re okay” or “Let me fix that for you.”
Instead he pointed out the demons I’ve kept trapped in my head and heart for my entire life.
Anger.
Frustration.
Anxiety.
*heart sinks*
*tears swell*
and every “but” I could think of filled my head.
I remained silent.
He left the room.
I turned on music and every song that played replaced every thought in my head.
“I’m traveling but never arrive”
“Just let go...”
“On God I rest...”
“Wait on Him…in the quiet…in your fear”
“Your God is here...”
“He won’t move...”
“Keep me where you are”
“Let your Holy Spirit…”
“I need you to stay...”
These words are everything and forever remind me what to do. They don’t lead to empty promise or hidden defeats, but a life of thriving AND surviving. We only survive when we learn the whole heart of thriving in the moment by moment circumstances. We won’t ever be able to tackle our demons and learn how to live with joy if we first don’t learn how to fall in love with Christ. Love leads to joy, even in the middle of darkness.
In the words of my 2 favorite artists…
“No more darkness, no more light” Amos Lee
“Darkness exists to make light truly count” Sleeping at last.
The unending circe of life is the fact that there will always be a reason to complain, cry, and let anxiety consume our minds. There will always be days when we just truly don’t know how to be present in the moment.
Those are the times we cannot walk alone because God wants to show us SO MUCH FREAKING JOY and light and love and peace and ETC.
So, if you made it to the end of this blog, thank you.
I’m writing these thoughts on some weird off-brand version of Microsoft word to remind myself of this moment because I’ll forget where my heart was tomorrow when I face another challenge.
I’m writing this to publicly announce my life long demons in hopes that with each word one escapes the walls of my mind.
I’m writing this as a key to open a door in learning how to abide with my whole being and walking through whatever remedies and insight God places in the doorway.
I’m writing this because Satan tries to trap me with my same childhood demons and I’m saying get the heck away from me because I think exposure is the first stage of recovery and healing.
Fear is an evil root that sprouts a million branches of sin and ultimately we have a fear of handing over our minds to the one who created them in the first place- the only one who fully knows what’s inside. Satan will take whatever we don’t give to Christ, so fall in love with Jesus and fight for a life of joy.
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27
“When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.” Psalm 94:19
