A GIRL WHO FOUND HER JOY IN CHRIST AND HIM ALONE • • •
"I love this city because everyone has a song."
Every moment I look back God shows me parts of my story that I never realized existed. If you asked me to tell it to you every day for a year it would probably look different each conversation. It's not that the information changes, it's because my heart changes and God reveals details I never noticed. It's because a story can be told a thousand times and there is a different beauty found in it each time. I'm here to tell you only a whisper of the endless moments of my story.
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A story of a girl who found her joy in Christ and Him alone • • •
I was a girl who couldn't be satisfied in anything. I lived every day in anger and discontentment that it became the most comfortable place to me.
"Angry with myself" is honestly the perfect description of who I was before christ.
It was the root of my problems.
I struggled with insecurities when I compared myself to those around me.
I struggled with finding genuine friendships because I always secluded myself from people when things got too much.
I was unmotivated and willing to live like a true Christian.
I was NEVER SATISFIED in my circumstances.
I learned how to put on a smile but people always found a way to look through it.
I've been told all my life that my face shows emotion and I've tried all my life to prove that wrong by covering it up with "I'm okay."
I failed.
I could never find joy and contentment in anything I did, anyone I was around, or any place I was in because my heart was hardened by insecurities, apathy, and stubbornness.
Stubborn.
That's who I was before Christ.
But God ripped out my heart and replaced it with His Holy Spirit.
I was 14.
Old enough to know that who I was could not compare with who Jesus is. I sat on that chair. Crying. Balling. Praying these words "God, I know you're speaking to me. What are you saying? I know I haven't been who I'm supposed to be so I commit the REST of my life to you. I'm surrendering all I have and all I am."
There is no magic in words. Absolutely none. The focus is the heart and my heart was in no other hands but Christ's. There was something about that moment. Something no person can explain. I paused long enough to hear the words "if grace is in ocean we're all so sinking" playing behind me. Tears fell again when all I could proclaim was that grace is the only thing that can save me. Grace picked me up and brought me home. It's an ocean. And we are sinking in it because it's so consuming.
These last two and a half years of my life have been such a beautiful disaster. Heartache, confusion and total dependence on the Lord has brought me to the sweetest spirit of joy that I never knew existed. Christ is breaking my spirit of hardness and I'm so thankful. I'm learning to realize that struggle is a beauty in this world. It's the only place we are fully willing to run to the Lord with arms wide open. Christ is alive in me and I will no longer be content with anything less than that.
I am a woman with poorly stated words and often times a dry spirit, but God gives me intricate sentences full of truth, love and mercy to extend to those around me. He has given me a joyful and never ending spirit of love and understanding.
Hallelujah for Christ can transform our sinful souls into hearts willing to DO ANYTHING for Him.
I am redeemed.
I am found in Christ.
HE LIVES IN ME.
