For years, I have been chasing after a constant face and spirit of happiness, after a constant response of positivity, and after an act of neglecting anything negative in my life.
I've always wanted to be the girl who always smiled, always laughed, never complained, and the girl who when she walked out of a room people would say "she's so joyful!" But, recently I've learned that this kind of "joyful" is not the kind that we are supposed to be. The kind of joyful person I was becoming would suppress any feelings of sadness or disappointment, and even run after ways to fix everything. She never confided in anyone because she was quick to ask herself "am I causing this?" and never asked herself "how can I pursue Christ and still love when people don't satisfy me?"
I've been reading this book called Inside Out by Dr. Larry Crabb, it has taken me at least a year in a half because I'm such an inconsistent reader. He's been writing about learning to allow the world's dissatisfaction and disappointments to bring you to tears, not the kind of tears that end in no hope, but the kind that pushes you to run to the only hope of Christ Jesus. So many people are afraid of sadness, afraid of tears, afraid of being alone. We shouldn't be. Though I may not be scared to cry (because I finally realized how emotional i've become this year), I am scared to death of the next night I will lay in my bed with an overwhelming pit in my stomach when the efforts of the people in my life cease to satisfy the longing for a deeper love. In these moments, I have stopped pursuing the love of Christ and placed His role on my boyfriend, friends, and family. Quite honestly, this is the most unfair thing you can do to people. When you place God's role on someone else's shoulders, they will fail every single time and collapse due to the amount of weight they carry. Our dissatisfaction will grow with every amount of effort from them because this world was never meant to satisfy us without Christ.
So, when you cover this dissatisfaction with fake smiles, fake laughter, fake attempts of convincing yourself that "nothing can bring you down", your words become meaningless and "false advertisement" of Christ. With this mentality, we are telling others that when you're a christian, Jesus strips away every sad moment, every thought of negativity, and every tear of depression. But, God says there is a time for everything.
"...a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak…" - Ecclesiastes 3:4-7
When I find myself pushing down disappointments, a greater mentality of self pity arises and I began to feel sorry for myself when I become broken because "I did everything right, haven't I?"
"We encouraged him to reflect on his sadness of life and let it drive him to tears."- Dr. Larry Crabb
Why are we so afraid of this if we have a Savior that so desperately wants to hold us in His arms and tell us that He has the love that this world will never provide?
I want to be the girl who embraces sadness so she can know what it is like to feel God's comfort.
I want to be the girl who accepts that this world offers nothing so she can stop chasing after its false happiness.
I want to be the girl who embraces the fact that we were born broken because we were born with a longing for love only Christ holds in His hands.
I want to be the woman of vulnerability and grace the Lord calls me to be.
This morning, I learned that JOY is not a concept this world can teach. TRUE JOY is embrace. Embrace every moment with the pursuit of the hope and love of God and allowing yourself to sit in your car and cry every tear in your body as God sits in the seat next to you holding His hands out to collect every one of the. Embracing disappointment is so incredibly freeing. Be Free.
When we don't embrace every feeling of our humanity, we are not allowing God to do what only He can do in our lives.
"For I will satisfy the weary soul, and every languishing soul I will replenish." - Jeremiah 31:25
